Ball games

So. Not good news then. Again.

Test number 2 went ok. Hub in boots was terrified the night before. He was convinced he had just muffed the first test with an “almost there… oops didnt make it… start again… ok”, and all he needed to do was get it right and clear his name. No pressure.

This place was an IVF clinic. Do it there, cut out the transport issues. Apparently the waiting room smacked of desperation, but once he was taken inside it was an arm chair, mood lighting, a big screen TV and a remote with a selection of vids. nice. Wham bam thank you m’aam. No delays no misses no problems. He was relieved it was so easy.

I rang up for the results yesterday. Surprisingly, the receptionist was nice enough to read out the letter over the phone. We are fucked. Seriously seriously fucked. First one had a count of 7. Second one a count of 4. Recommendation is IVF because of the statistics.

What the hell?

So naturally I burst into tears and said fuck a lot and planned to walk out on my last class of the day. But I sucked it up and did my student appointments and taught my class. And came home and smiled at hub in boots as he got ready for an end of season footy function, all done up in his suit and new hair cut and wingtip shoes he’d bought as a consolation for his bad test #1.

I waited until he was loaded up with beers before I broke the news, and in the meantime ate twisties and chocolate. Nice. Nothing like looking after your health. At first he laughed, then he shouted how is this possible? quite a few times, then he got into bed and was very very quiet.

Hub in boots is a bit shell shocked today…there’s a distinct set of his shoulders that says things are not going well inside his head. Stupidly, I feel better, relieved. We have a reason for our lack of success, we have a next step. There are more known quantities. Even IF those quantities are low ones. I hope that he is ok. I’ve let him know I’m here, but I’m nicking off to boxing tonight and giving the man some space.

I am prepared to do this. I am prepared for the eye of a cyclone drugs I’ve been warned about, though I really have no idea what is involved in IVF. I was hoping there would be a step before full on IVF. It will probably be a month before I get my tubes test done, get back to see the Gyno, and get referred on to the IVF specialist. Time’s a tickin boys. Wish it could all move a bit quicker. I’d like the sit down and chat and explain the situation meeting sooner rather than later. I’d like to ensure hub in boots is followed up, firstly with counselling, and secondly with investigations to rule out any underlying causes. I hope I do not have to jump up and down for this, I think it should happen as a matter of course.

Always in the back of my head is the “what if we can’t pull this off? What if we do not end up with a family? What if I am never anyone’s mother? Will I be able to cope with this loss? Why didn’t I just have a kid with a less ideal partner earlier? Why did I wait this long? What could I have done differently?” There are no answers to questions like this. They are just part of the whirlwind travelling around and around in my head. They go nowhere.

I’m not sure what I believe about God, but I’ve said a lot of prayers lately. A LOT. I need to figure out how we can do this without damaging our relationship, how we can cope with what is to come. Perhaps it is just a case of one little step at a time.

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