Not so cosy Hycosy

Giddee up folks. And we’re not talking about a trail ride. This was reality TV that would not make it to series two.

So this week my latest sources of stress was a Hycosy test. WTF? The doctor was such a nice man, took you into his office and explained everything they would do and apologized in advance for how undignified it was. Thankfully the bladder imitating warragamba dam section of the proceedings was short. The anxiety about peeing is SO much worse than the actual need to pee….I’d followed instructions and did laps of the streets outside the hospital til just before the appointment time, then took to reception with a game of angry birds in one hand and a michael cunningham book in the other. Suck it up lovvie.

Chapter 1: the jelly roll. Squishy gel on gut. Tasteful. Gee these fertility investigations make a girl feel romantic. How’s your bladder feeling? UNCOMFORTABLE. there’s a bloody surprise. The cup of tea I had to soothe my nerves in addition to the 800ml was a mistake. No, Really.I could have kissed the sonographer when she let me pee.

Chapter 2, let me wave this magic wand UP you, was uncomfortable but I did get to watch myself on tele. It wasn’t like the usual reality tv shows. No rose ceremony, no eliminations. I’ve seen better plot lines. And how the hell do they tell what’s what in there? It all looks like a 70’s television in a snowstorm.

Chapter 3 old doc got his sleeves up and I was quite relaxed. After all, I didn’t need to pee anymore. He warned me this bit was bad. The catheter was TINY and the balloon was like the size of my thumbnail. Like that could hurt? Stirrups belong ON A HORSE people. He warned ” now here comes the bit where you wish you were somewhere else”, and my face went all hot and the world got quite black around the edges. This was the catheter+ balloon does not equal a birthday party section. I think he was shitting himself as he kept saying ” are you with us? You still with us?” and telling me how much longer. That bit was only 2-3 min but amazingly painful . The pain didn’t worry me as much as the just about to lose consciousness thing. I nearly fainted 3 times. It was interesting.

Anyway, they wouldn’t let me get up for ages, then made me a cup of tea and got me to sit there til my face had done colour. It was certainly interesting and I am very relieved it’s done. Apparently I am ‘textbook ‘ and both tubes very clear& uterus & lining all v normal. I’m so relieved it’s over. Still haven’t got my party.


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