Very little to say except we are sitting here uncomfortably numb. Today I was really busy at work. Too busy to pay much attention to how I was feeling, I was buried in paperwork and emails and students. I was in pain, but at the moment, that’s not exactly news. I’ve been in pain for 8 days straight.
I had planned that on Monday we would have the day off together, and go for the blood test, and be together, maybe by the river at home, when the all important phone call came through. And we’d listen to it on speaker phone, in our own space, and then we’d deal with it together. My body had other plans.
Instead, I went to the loo at work, alone (naturally), with my mind full of work and emails and to do’s. You’re not pregnant. Surprise! I’m surprised at how upset I was. Went back in, grabbed my phone, sat outside, rang hub-in-boots. He knew straight away, I didn’t even have to speak. After a while I rang the nurses at the clinic, ” is it just spotting maybe?”. umm, love, I’m bleeding like stuck pig. This aint spotting. They knew I was stuffed too. They tried to be helpful, organised a very short appt with our specialist on monday arvo for a what next meeting. Got the counsellor to ring me later in the arvo.
So I bawled my eyes out for a while, then sat outside with some colleagues and a cup of tea in the sun, and finally (after about an hour and a half) was ok to drive home. Went to my mate’s coffee shop and had a double macchiato and a pie, then went with her husband to the pub across the road. Why the hell look after myself when it makes no bloody difference? We had a few beers until hub in boots arrived, and I was at the pub when the quite nice big gay counsellor called. He was lovely actually. Haven’t met him, but he could not have been nicer.
There’s not much else to say. Had fish n chips for tea by the river, followed by a bloody long soak in the tub tonight. I’d like to just drink for 24 hours straight, but it probably isn’t the best idea ever. Mind you 3 drinks after six weeks non drinking was a shock to the system…. just don’t want to feel anything for a while…
Hub in boots is quiet, and kind and attentive, and nervous of what I might do next I think. He’s having little DH moments (Deer in Headlights). Luckily he has a big drive tomorrow to his family farm. And a big drive is the best cure for a deer in headlights hub in boots. He has lit candles around my bath, and not commented on my beer drinking, and made me cups of tea. He’s walking on egg shells around me, mainly because I’d given up on being upset by the time he got back from work.
Next step is a return to boxercise perhaps, so I can punch the crap out of something for an hour tomorrow morning. Then I think I am going to return to my couch to 5k running programme, and alternate this channelling my anger into something healthy, with extensive twistie eating, family blocks of chocolate, shitloads of caffeine, and a good bottle of wine….
Can you please stop the universe…I’d like to get off.