6:15 am “Do you think we’ll have a positive?” “I don’t know”
6:20 ‘I just can’t understand this cramping. It’s a bit weird.’ ‘yeah’
6:25 ‘I can’t wait any longer’ “It will be over soon enough babe”
6:30 ‘do you think it will be a positive?’ ‘I hope so’
8:20am “so there’s about 4 hours to go” “yep”
8:25am “there’s 5 minutes less now” “yep” “I think it will be a positive. I feel like this cramping is weird. I’ll be surprised, I’ll be so disappointed if it’s bad news. I’m sure it’s positive”.“we’ll know soon babe”
8:28am “another three minutes have gone” “uh huh” “do you want another coffee?” “nah I’m ok, got the jitters from the first one”. “I think I need a biscuit. A biscuit would help.” “you can have a biscuit babe”.
They read some of the newspaper.
8:58am ‘Twenty minutes have gone! What time should we ring them if they don’t ring?’ “12:30. I’d ring at 12:30 if they haven’t rung”
9:02am “should we go somewhere? Do something?” “It’s up to you babe. What would you like to do?” “I don’t know”.
Another two hours pass, just like this. It’s a bit like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Or groundhog day.
At 11:22 the phone rings. We’re still sitting in the cafe. I’m demented. Really really demented. It is a blocked number. Which means it’s the clinic, or it’s my mum.
“Joanne?” ‘yes (in a very small voice)’ “We have some good news for you. In fact it’s very good news! (I start thumbs up gestures at hub in boots. His mouth drops open. He has no facial expression whatsoever) Your test shows you are pregnant! So with the hormone levels, we look for over 100 at this stage, and yours were good, very good in fact, 147. So we’re very happy with this test.”
“really. We’d like you to come back to the clinic, and get more progesterone supplementation, as I said to you this morning, just for the few weeks til the first scan. Today or tomorrow”.
“sure sure. We will come in shortly.”
“You were very quiet this morning!”
“I know. I was just, I thought i was pregnant, since saturday I’ve been changing my mind and thinking it’s a positive. And I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to get my hopes up!”
I get off the phone and shout we’re pregnant! And hub in boots shouts WHAT? Like he hasn’t noticed IVF has been occurring. It is a complete shock!
And then we do the jumping up and down hugging each other dance, and hub in boots is shrieking, and his Panama hat is bouncing up and down… and then our mates who run the cafe repeat this with larger and larger group hugs every time.
It is a happy day. I know it’s too early to celebrate. I know we have a long long way to go, to consider it a viable pregnancy. I know all this. But I am delighted. Hub in boots is delighted. We drove to the grandma’s houses, and THEY are delighted. There has been lots of shrieking on the phone. Even the egg that won the lottery is celebrating.
As I write this, hub in boots is cooking tea and drinking Moet. MY birthday Moet! Alone! But that’s cool . At least HE has a designated driver this silly season. It hasn’t REALLY sunk in yet, and it’s been a long long few days. Time has NEVER gone so slowly. He is the most patient man alive. And RELENTLESSLY, sometimes TORMENTINGLY positive. He is going to make a wonderful wonderful Dad. (Though he gets wiggged out with me calling him Dad !!! Not quite mentally ready! That goes for both of us. Thank goodness for gestational time to get your head ready)
Our first 6 week (almost 7 week) scan is on December 28, and we’re hoping for a heartbeat and a nice round healthy gestational sac. It’s a long way away, but we’ve made it this far.
Lastly a word for those out there who are still trying to conceive. I know the feeling of joy you get on another’s behalf when you read their good news, how it ignites your hope in the possibility, but how you don’t want to over-invest in what can sometimes seem an impossibility. I also know how you analyse what this means for you, and your chances, and how we compare to each other, and you wonder how your future will look, and you feel like life is on hold while you wait. I hope that my blog does not rub salt in your wounds, I hope that all it does is make the possibility alive for you. I can honestly say I hoped like hell, but realistically I knew our chances were slim. And that is bloody hard to deal with. I also know we are by no means out of the woods yet, but we are one step further down the yellow brick road. And it feels just as good as you think it might. So even though it’s dangerous, keep hoping.