Can I have some thinking music?

Well in 12 hours time, I will have had the blood test. In 15 hours time or so, we should have the results of IVF (ICSI) #2.

The last three days have been impossible. I have entered a fabulous level of cramping unknown to me in all my years of painful cycles, aided only by panadol…which are about as effective as smarties. And the time! It just CRAWLS. There is no way of forgetting what’s coming, because everytime I move IT HURTS. Which is a pretty clear smack in the face reminder. The days pass quickly and slowly at the same time. I feel like I’m walking in waist deep mud. I’m tired, and time is sucking me dry. I am absent from everything, and my brain isn’t working right. My short term memory at present is extraordinarily bad. Thank goodness I don’t have to work tomorrow.

Cycle number 1, which was running on the same days of the week, I was bleeding like a stuck pig (sorry, too much info) on the Friday prior to the monday test, exactly two weeks after egg collection. There was no question of the outcome of the cycle.

This cycle, Friday came, and Friday went. I was terrified ALL day.

Saturday came, and Saturday (a bloody long Saturday) went. I was even MORE paranoid. Trips to the loo are ridiculously confronting. The simple things are impossible.

Sunday came, and thanks to a bbq (with 200 sicilians that made my insane family christmas look like a meditation class), plus a neighbourhood street party, Sunday has just about gone. Now I’m just confused.

And nothing.

Now I know I had a “booster” shot of Ovidril pregnancy hormone monday as my progesterone levels hit the floor, and I know this probably has the ability to delay my period. I also know that with a 25% chance per cycle, there is ONLY a one in four chance this cycle has worked. That’s three out of four phone calls being a big fat nuh tomorrow. And only one in four being a yes.

My hope has increased as the days have gone on. I wish it wouldn’t. I feel like my chances are better now, yet they’re not. My brain won’t shut up, analysing the degree of cramping, the level of boob soreness, a little wave of nausea, jumping on every little thing. The longer wait this time is going to make bad news just that much harder to bear. But how can I be pregnant with this level of cramping? And how am I going to feel if I get my period whilst waiting for the results phone call?

I know this time will pass. I know I’ll go to bed, and wake up, and go to the clinic. And I’ll hope and hope and hope my period doesn’t come, like I can think it away and think our embryo into life. Which I know is ridiculous. If I just concentrate……

For some reason I feel that if I could just get to that phone call without getting my period, I’d feel better about this cycle.

We’ve been warned there’s three possible outcomes tomorrow: yes, no and come back Tuesday. Sometimes if your HcG levels are low they can’t tell the difference between an early miscarriage / ectopic pregnancy/a slow going real one, and they have to retest, sometimes up to four days running.  That sounds like fun.

Tomorrow will be a very confronting day, whatever the outcome.


2 thoughts on “Can I have some thinking music?

  1. Good luck!! It is truly nerve wracking – I had my test Friday already which I guess is quite early considering we had our retrievals at the same time. And I got the inconclusive low HCG result and is now ‘enjoying’ another wait till Friday for the second blood test. I have cramps as well, but thank goodness no period.

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