new years eve and stone cold sober

Yes, sober as a judge and happy about it. It was kind of nice seeing in the new year with clarity, for once! We went to a friend’s house with the MOST amazing view of Sydney’s fireworks. It is in a beautiful but an awkward, very busy part of Sydney called Kirribilli, where the roads are shut down from 5pm. So we shuttled a car over there in the morning for our escape plan, and taxi’d over the NYE gang at 4pm. A quiet gathering for 7 of us, punctuated by trips to the roof top for the acrobatic planes, 9pm fireworks, and midnight fireworks.

Jo and Stew and the view
The harbour bridge goes OFF.

And punctuated by some pretty interesting thoughts and facebook comments about what this year may mean for us.( It’s turning into the worst kept secret on the planet). There’s a little inkling of possibility now creeping around, as time goes on. And whilst I’m still trying not to be too attached to it, there’s some really real moments. Some “actually, this may really happen” moments. And the slowly accelerating joy that is not so subtly smacking a lot of people around us on the back of the head in the thought of a new life joining our little existence, it’s kind of contagious. (It’s funny how some people are a lot more excited about babies than you would have expected).

New years, I’ve always found them selfish affairs. Everyone hangs off with finalising their plans in case of trading up to a better offer. Like no other time of year, they are non commital. Everyone is worried about where THEY will be at midnight, and who THEY will kiss. It’s often all about ourselves, and about being SEEN to have significant plans and fun things to do. For us though, this could be the start of a life changing year. As 2011 was, with our first wedding anniversary, the start and the possible end of IVF, and the news of a pregnancy. But 2012? This could be HUGE. Hell, I could be HUGE.

Last night, our lovely host showed me his three year old daughter’s cot, and said it was ours in a couple of months if we’d like it, as she’s grown too tall. That was a bit real. It’s white. Very nice. Very real. Unlike an embryo, you can touch it! Things like that, coming into our little environment, it makes it a bit concrete. It also relieves me of one aspect of decision making and shopping. THIS is a good thing. And the becoming real, this is a good thing. I have started to have an inkling of confidence that this little gumby may just make it. I like knowing there’s a little heartbeat in there (well hopefully there still is. They need to invent a 24/7 monitor for women in their first trimester so you are 100% confident things are still kicking along). It’s hard when you don’t feel that pregnant. Apart from the increase in weeing. And the aversion to bacon. And the dizzy spells. And the constant need for avocado and cheese. And the surprise ability to inhale a cheeseburger in 15 seconds when the only reason you stopped at Maccas was to go to the loo (that needs to stop). And the weird stretchy cramping. And the freaky changes in your boobs. And the occasional pimple. And amazingly accelerated finger nail growing. Apart from that, I don’t feel pregnant AT ALL.

You’ll be happy to know hub-in-boots enjoyed his night with a designated driver. His enthusiastic coaching at every corner and lane change on the 15 minute drive home was a clear demonstration to me I would KILL him in 24 hours in a labour ward, and that my shared care decision with my sister as a support person is a wise one.  And the drive there and home took us past the hospital, so there were reminders all night. Lets hope on the actual night / day in question hub in boots is a little more sober than new years’ eve. (It was funny being the one to drag him out of the party, instead of being the loud one wanting to stay for “one more drink”). He’s a bit quiet today, and if he wants it, he’s going to have to cook his own bacon.

Happy 2012 world. Happy 2012 little gumby-jelly bean-blueberry-bump. Keep on beating on. Bring on August!

This is just how I feel:

pink and sparkly
exploding with possibility
all lit up and looking forward
but wait, there's more
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