Yep. Still on bedrest. It’s crazy luxury here right now, because I’m sitting up. Madness. Sometimes I sit up for two whole hours a day. I am just waiting for hub-in-boots to get home from his 3 day Australian Football League (Aussie Rules) conference, and as is pretty much standard for AFL things, the flights are delayed. And delayed.
I’ve had babysitters all weekend. The good kind. The kind that bring food and cook and bring giant harddrives full of downloaded TV shows and movies that do not want to be waited on. So I’m all movie’d up. I’ve watched Bad Teacher, I made it through an hour of Bridesmaids (seriously? hideous. And slow! Had to turn it off) and Horrible Bosses (cool). And Our idiot brother (liked it). Choosing all the heavy arthouse dramas, as you can see. And a large marathon of episodes of Modern Family.
It’s been nice having a variety of faces among the visitors, it’s made the time go quickly. It is funny how some friends / family are ‘do-ers”, that jump into action and make soup and cook, and deliver sources of entertainment. Others are empathisers, who are interested more in how I’m feeling than anything else. Others are distancers, kind of standing back and waiting til it passes. I can’t really predict who’ll be what. I guess you need all kinds to get through.
I’m sort of surprised there’s not been a murmur of support or thought from my workmates. It’s a bit weird.
Then there’s the cleaner carer. My sister today has cleaned the venetian blinds in our apartment. and washed clothes. And washed up. Friday she vacuumed. All the big jobs. (She’s also shopped and cooked). It’s weird laying on the lounge while other people cook and fetch and carry.
Still have had some tough days. Australia day (26th) was really hard. I felt really ill. Cramping all day, which sets off the panic and paranoia, which makes the cramping worse. Had some of it last night too, and this morning when I woke up. Sometimes it is kind of stretching pain, but sometimes it feels a bit more sinister. I feel like I can feel the site of the bleed, but it’s possibly just my imagination. Trouble is, too, the pain doesn’t come and go as much when you’re not really moving. It just stays. Spotting on and off and on and off, no real bleeding. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.
The horrible thing is feeling like I’m on high alert a lot of them time. It is tiring. I have a consciousness now that this thing could turn on a dime, that I could be sitting surfing the net one minute, and in a casualty ward in another. That pregnancy can be taken away so bloody quickly. I don’t feel that I can relax into being pregnant again. And the IVF counsellor was right when she said that although we did not experience, at least yet, the pregnancy loss we had feared, we did lose the experience of a relaxed pregnancy. And that is a loss, and like all losses it generates a lot of complex emotions. I am wondering, if this continues ok, at what point I can be a pregnant woman, and buy baby clothes or nursery furniture, without fear of having to pack it away at some point after a loss. At what point can I think about my due date again? It is hard to be mentally prepared for both possibilities, especially without the outlet of exercise, or other activities, or even leaving the house.
I have these moments where I wish it would just happen. It sounds like a terrible thing to say, but I think if I’m going to miscarry, every extra day, every extra emotional investment in this outcome, makes the experience of loss harder. It is cruel. If it is going to end, I wish it would end, and stop wasting our hope. It would be nice to have a point and which I could breathe out again.
Tomorrow we go to the obstetrician again in the afternoon. We are 11 weeks and 1 day now. Tomorrow we find out if we still have a heartbeat, if gumby is still growing to plan, and if the blood clot has got better, got worse, or stayed the same. I’m hopeful, but the waiting isn’t always easy.