You’ve lost that loving’ feeling’

Yes. I’ve lost that lovin feelin, but not by choice. More like by doctors orders. NO LOVIN FEELINGS!

I haven’t lost that gushing feeling though. Hemorrhage number 4 arrived at 6am today. I had a feeling it was coming, so I dressed for the occasion, and when it hit I went ‘ah fuck’ , then rolled over and went back to sleep for another two and a half hours. I slept well last night & felt relaxed when I woke. Mostly. Apart from the whole bleeding like a stuck pig bullshit. Cross your fingers it stops soon. It wasn’t quite a scene from dexter this time, thank god.

Which means tomorrow I get more of those eternal seconds to enjoy. The “do we have a heartbeat / do we not have a heartbeat” ones. The moment when he puts the ultrasound onto my belly, and there doesn’t seem to be anything on the screen. And I hold my breath, and there is nothing else in the universe except that screen. And i want to look away, but i cant. So far, I’ve done three of these scans. I think I’ve aged ten years. And even worse is when I see bub, but haven’t heard the “dub-i-da dubida dub-i-da dubida” yet, and bub is not moving. They are eternal, those moments. You don’t know the meaning of the word patience til you’ve sat through that. The hanging on required to get through that is just exhausting.

We have made twelve weeks yesterday . Pretty cool to be here. If we make 13 weeks on the 11th, and the end of the first trimester (and let’s face it, a lot can happen in a week at the moment) I’m ordering take away and having a glass of wine . That’s my target. We don’t live for much around here.

Tomorrow we have our 12 week nuchal translucency scan / blood tests for downs & other issues. I’m clearly terrified, as I had nightmares about it all Friday night. I just want it over with. I just hope we’re low risk, that is, our odds are better than 1:300 chance. If our odds are worse, I don’t know what they’ll recommend.

Previously, it would have been straight onto CVS (chorionic villius sampling, effectively a placental biopsy), but with my pregnancy being so ridiculously unstable, I don’t know what they will advise, or what I will want to do. I suspect they will say wait til amnio in week 16. I don’t know what I will choose to do.

Hub-in-boots will be there with me. I have a feeling it’s going to be a hard day. Part of me wants to be gung ho about it, because hell, we’re on a huge risk of miscarriage anyway, and if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen . At least with CVS we will have more information and perhaps less waiting. I want all the crappy stuff done with, not something else hanging over my head. Part of me wants to be conservative: do the scan, do the blood test, and walk away. Let my body decide if this pregnancy will last to the point of further testing.

The trouble with amnio is if things are seriously wrong, it’s week 18 when you know, and a vaginal birth is required to end the pregnancy . That’s pretty bloody confronting by comparison to injections & surgery . i could write a whole other post on the ethics of this decision , but let’s just say for now we both know where we stand on this.

I have a feeling it will depend on the odds, even if they are high risk. 1:250? Yeah I’d probably walk away. 1:40? I’d probably want to know.

I don’t want to be faced with any choices. None. I am stretched so far beyond what I thought I could cope with that I am afraid anything else , any more complications, would just send me over the edge. I don’t really think they would ( I always worry about coping thanks to my history with depression, yet as my ivf counsellor points out , these days I always do cope) but really, I have enough to carry right now. We have enough to carry right now.

I packed hub-in-boots off to our mates’ deli for coffee yesterday, knowing full well he’d end up with Phil at the pub across the road. His best mate ‘Phant’ rang too, and joined them, (which i may or may not have facilitated…) and hub-in-boots rolled back in about four hours later well and truly shickered. His car is still at the pub as i type ! Mate, if I had my choice right now ? That’s exactly what I’d like to be doing. DRINKING. He was more relaxed, finally, helped out by time with blokey drinking companions. It also helped that so much has been taken care of here, by the efforts of our shoppers & cookers & cleaners & babysitters on Friday & Saturday in the form of my mum and sister.

While he was at the pub my sis and I had a catch up on the bed. With tea and muffins. She’s right that a variety of faces helps, and she gets the balance right, between listening and distracting. Which is tricky at the best of times. She’s also bloody good at the feeding part, and has kept us stocked up w fresh fruit n veg & meals. Don’t know what we’d do without family at a time like this.

As he sobered up, hub in boots and I kicked back on the couch and watched ‘Moneyball’ last night. Not a bad movie, quite enjoyed it. Brad pitt looked just like robert redford!! Weird! It was better than the night before , when I made hub-in-boots watch the Sound Of Music for the first time in his life. I mean, how DO you solve a problem like Maria? I tried to explain to hub-in-boots that any song with the word flibidigibit in the lyrics could not be bad, but he had his long suffering husband face on while I sang along. He was a bit better once he found some rosé. I had a lovely time. He did laugh during the lonely goatherd . ONCE.

Although I’ve showed remarkable self restraint by eating very healthy food and watching serving sizes whilst on bed rest, I’ve lashed out with banana muffins thanks to my nieces cooking the last two days. Yum. Of course there are times when I’d have liked to have ordered a shipping container of cadburys chocolate and chips and just laid in bed eating, but I’m conscious of gumby’s health and my blood sugar levels. Weirdly, I’m dropping weight quite fast, half a kilo every few days . I am not too worried, as I am sure, given my diet, gumby is getting what he/she needs, and it’s probably muscle wastage (muscle that I worked so hard for!!!!). Some of it is the worry, too, I’m sure. Ive been emailing my old dietician and she’s had some good suggestions on boosting my vitamins, iron etc.I know in the lead up to our wedding, the weight just fell off with the stress.

I wish there was a point in this pregnancy where I could just start being pregnant, and enjoying the little person growing inside of me, but right now it is too confronting to look too far ahead. For the last few days, I’ve felt like we are not going to make it, it’s just a question of when it ends, not if.

But I guess I’m contradicting myself when I still think about my diet, and count the weeks. I am thankful for the bleed free days, the days when I just lie here and let time pass, when I know we’re getting a day closer to our goal. I read, I Facebook , I blog, I play words w friends, I email, sleep or watch a show. Those days I feel like I’m doing something, achieving something , by making the best choices I can for gumby. Then the days when I bleed, or the hours when i get odd twinges or stretching cramps, well, all I can do is hang on.

I made the mistake of googling again yesterday. There’s a lot of really confronting statistics out there. Step away. And I finally ‘came out’ on Facebook, to ask for extra prayers / positive thoughts for both us and gumby. I think I wanted to because I would hate the thought of gumby’s little existence ending, and all these people on Facebook never knowing he/she was alive in the first place. It just seemed wrong.

We’ve had a lot of rain here lately, a lot of cool grey overcast drizzly days. Normally at this time of year it’s crawl out of your own skin territory, 30 degrees c plus and dripping with sweat every day. The cooler weather makes bed rest much easier. Today is a cracker, blue sky, cicadas going , it’s really hotting up. It’s harder to lay around in weather like this.

I just had a shower . Oh never underestimate how wonderful a shower is until you’ve been where I am. And go outside, for a walk or a run, for me. I would love to feel my heart pumping not because I’m hyperventilating with worry or about to bleed to death, but because I’m out there doing something.

It reminds me of people’s first reaction to bed rest : geez you must be bored. It is hard to explain why I am not. I can understand that some pregnancy bed rest would be dull dull dull. But no, boredom is the last thing on my mind.

Ok, imagine you are running across a plain, with a little kid, in Botswana, being chased by an elephant. ( this has happened to me, so I actually don’t have much trouble picturing this). Your old brain would be going mental . Your reactions would be largely involuntary. Your heartbeat would speed up, your breathing would be quicker, adrenaline would pump through your system. Sure, not a great situation, but certainly not dull.

Now imagine this elephant is really pissed off. Imagine it chases you both for two weeks. A month. This is a life and death situation . Are YOU bored? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

My “elephant” is a fat old clot in my uterus. And the risks and pace of the chase change several times a day/week. And my life is probably not at risk. But our gumby’s life is. So frustrating? Yep. Tiring? You bet. Boring? Not so much.

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3 thoughts on “You’ve lost that loving’ feeling’

  1. jean

    Good luck tomorrow, maybe wait to think about what decisions you might have to make when you know if you’ll have to make them, some may never eventuate.

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