Reality check

On the weekend we did our last day of the calmbirth / transition to parenthood course. It was good, no whale music, we practiced swaddling and breast feeding positions (even positions better for cesareans), routines, bathing, sleeping, feeding. Gumby was nuts all day. I have this one way i sit with my hands folded acrossy belly like a buddha, and he doesn’t like it. He always kicks my right arm. (He just did it AGAIN! It’s so DELIBERATE!) . He kicked hub -in-boots off my waist yesterday while i still slept. Funny. Anyway, the course was tiring, but useful. After dinner at mum’s, yesterday was a slow start (try breakfast at 11, slacker), and then we were visitor centrale.

My niece and her partner were up from Canberra , so they did a quick fly by to check out my bump and say hi before heading home. My sister came too, stocked up our fridge as usual (thank goodness) and went out for a paddle in the kayak, while hub-in-boots finished the vacuuming. And then our friend arrived.

His 3 year old daughter was hilarious, tuckered out and unconscious in the back seat after a trip to the zoo, a Wiggles Portable DVD playing in her lap. Angus then began unloading and demonstrating. It was like home delivery “my baby warehouse”, without the narky sales assistants or the credit card bill.

It gave me a huge shock when I walked into the lounge room this morning and it was just sitting there, looking at me.

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A big baby thing … A pram. In our house. So weird! Hub-in-boots , Cathy and I spent a couple of hours messing around with the awesome Bugaboo Cameleon, getting used to putting it together and folding it up, changing from seat to bassinet, moving the handle around, folding it up, unfolding it. It is so light & easy to steer! I’m such a fan. It has a seat and a carry cot . It is still there, looking at me. It makes the baby thing seem real, or possible at least. It is so nice to have not only the cost burden, but most of all the decision making, taken off our hands. To have all of that brain space and time free of model comparisons and price shopping, and just be able to say ” Geez! Thanks.”. To do something as normal as have a friend say ” hey! You’re having a baby. Would you like this?” without provisos, or fear, or if but maybes or what ifs. Since project Supergrover started, it’s been a long road. There haven’t been many easy , normal, times. And I don’t really have a lot of brain space left of decisions I don’t feel ready to make just yet. So to be gifted four, or six, decisions, just made already, now that’s a real present.

And isn’t he a natural? I took him to the pub for tea after this. First dinner out together since the week before Christmas I think. We were almost like real grown ups. No wonder he looks happy. That and the Formula one was about to start on tele….

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But back to the gear. The pram was followed by a rocker, a bouncer, and a baby capsule.

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So thanks to Angus (we may need to start a cult to worship his generosity and spirit) , we are totally geared up. And amazed at our good fortune to have such a friend. Because I still don’t feel I can walk into a baby shop and buy stuff. So having this done for us has done a huge amount for my mental state. Clothes, yes. I’m ok with clothes. But baby furniture, bath car and other gear, no. It would be like walking into a casino and putting all our money on red. I still feel we’re on a gamble here. And like many gamblers, I’m wary of changing my luck, as superstitious as that sounds. Of investing too much in one outcome. I think I’ll be better at 24 weeks, and positively reckless at 27 (not really). But I do know two pretty normal (ish) adults who were both born at 26 weeks…so I feel by then we’ll have a real good shot at a baby boy in these four walls. But somehow, when someone else just says ‘well here it is’ it feels nicer… The reality of baby in these walls, without needing to decide to believe , or daring to hope in that outcome. And I have to say, with it all just here, it’s exciting, and it’s hard not to hope.

I think I’m just going to sit here all day and stare at the baby gear. Maybe take the stroller for a spin to the kitchen and back. Give Grover a bounce while I make a cup of tea…and celebrate the headspace I have left. I might not fold my arms over my belly though, that kid in there is getting pretty tough.

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7 thoughts on “Reality check

  1. sisyphus74

    I just dont know that we can be friends anymore…. Bugaboo Joanne really???!!
    Your only saving grace is that you didnt actually buy it but rather acquired it. Still if I see a latte fucking attachment I’m out mate. You can go back to the Shire.
    S

    1. Ha! I KNEW you’d react to that one! I was telling Angus yesterday about the boxercise war over the purchase of a bugaboo and then the subsequent disowning of Dave that went with the $45 latte attachment! It may be worth $45 to piss you off :-). I’ll think about it !!!! You can take the girl outta the Shire….

  2. How fantastic to be given all that gear!! Without having to go shopping, spend loads and most importantly make decisions!! We still have not gotten around to looking really… although yesterday my husband put together the stand for the moses basket his brother and wife gave us – both of their children slept in it when they were babies. Don’t you just love used baby stuff! 🙂

    1. We’ve also got a bassinet my sister and brother in law had stored for TWENTY FOUR YEARS! They’ve cleaned it all, and the stand, and it’s beautiful. As well, they found TWENTY bunny rugs and a sailor suit they bought in case they had a boy… I think my sister spent the whole school holidays w napisan & washing! The old school bunny rugs are just so pretty, and I love the continuity, that I can remember as a teenager wrapping the girls and holding them in those same rugs.

  3. Wow, how awesome! Kind of like Christmas 😉
    I totally get your feelings about going to baby shops and buying equipment.
    I can go to baby shops and look around, but it makes me feel strange every single time. There’s always this tiny voice in my head warning me not to get too attached to the little miracle growing inside me. And the fact that so far, everythings going just fine, isn’t silencing it at all.
    So this makes it even more cool that your friend gave you the baby stuff, and that didn’t set off the gambler’s fear inside you like going to a store would have. Yay!

    And yay for active Gumby!

    1. Glad it’s not just me that feels like that… I figured it was our precarious situation, but it’s comforting to hear someone having a ‘regular’ non bedrest pregnancy feeling the same nervousness about believing in the “take home baby” (horrible term) . Perhaps it’s the experience of infertility clinics and the knowledge of how hard it can be that also makes the pregnancy seem so fraught with risk at every turn. We’ve learnt the hard way not to take outcomes for granted, but it does rob us of a certain amount of bump joy!

  4. babysocks2008

    Super excited for you!! Your hubs does look like a natural driving the stroller. What a ‘shit eating grin’ he has on his face! Good luck to you! I have faith that you will meet your son and hold him in your arms.

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