Gumby’s birth story chapter 2: Keeping it real and chapter 3: Laughing my ass off

Well chapter 1 covered day 1 of pre labour, olympic watching, and horsie birthdays. Here, in chapter 2 and 3, things heat up a bit.

Chapter 1 covered pre labour, with semi regular contractions and a slight “show”. Here, we’re laying in bed, we’re a bit bored with it, and the adventures continue.

Chapter 2: Keeping it real

“What are we going to do?” said hub-in-boots. “There’s no way I’m going to work.”

Why don’t we get dressed and head up the deli for bacon n egg rolls? It’d be hilarious if my waters broke there!”

Famous. Last. Words.

“Brilliant. I am busting for bacon and eggs. Yep. I’ll get in the shower.”

“Ok. I’ll just go to the loo.”

Chapter 3: Laughing my ass off. If you’re squeamish, don’t go there. TMI warning.

Oh. My. God.

“STEW! Get the phone. You know how I said I had a show? That wasn’t a show. THIS IS A SHOW. Oh my god. Ring L. I think we need to go to the hospital. Oh god!”

“What!? What’s happening?” he stood outside the bathroom door. “ Will I come in?”

I couldn’t stop laughing. “Oh my god! NO! No don’t come in! It’s gross!.” I was SCREAMING with laughter.

“What’s gross? What What?”

“Oh my god! This thing! There’s this mucous thing! Should I pull it out? It’s a weird colour.” I could not stop laughing, Tears were rolling down my cheeks and it just seemed so ridiculously Hollywood.

“What? What? Oh! I’m coming in!”

“You are NOT COMING IN! It’s too gross!” I was screaming with laughter.” Just ring L! Oh my god! There’s so MUCH OF IT! You’ll have to tell her the colour. Oh my god”.

“What what what?” He was laughing too. “I’m coming in!”

“No!”

He opened the door. “Oh my GOD!”. He took one look at the (TMI WARNING) foot long mucous stringy thingy and small dark plug and nearly passed out. Breathe hub-in-boots, breathe.

I wrapped it up and stuffed it in an empty panty liner box in case they wanted a look at the hospital. Talk to me about gross.

“I’m ringing L”.

“Oh my!” I screamed with laughter as I went to stand up from the loo. He had left the room.

“What?”

“I just felt something GIVE!”

“what?”

“I think my waters just broke!” I was laughing so hard I could barely talk. There was a small fluid leak. Very small. The minute I stood up, whatever had been happening stopped. “I think. There wasn’t very much. I’m not sure”.

“what? WHAT? WHAT??????”

“Just ring L babe. Tell her. Ask what we do”

He left the room and there was quiet conversation. “The colour’s fine babe. Totally fine. But Lexi said it’s go time. It’s GO TIME. We have to go to the hospital right away.

Hub in boots then rang the hospital. He got the midwife, and she asked to speak to me. I can’t remember much of this call, except to say yeah look I think they broke but I’m not sure, there was a huge show, HUGE!  I’m still having irregular contractions, they are still mild, and we only live ten minutes away.

This was when I started to get stupid. “but I want a bacon and egg roll. Could we stop? And we can drop off the shirts at the dry cleaners.”

“No babe. No stopping.”

“Can I just have a shower? I can’t go in like this.”

“Yeah ok, a quick one.”

I had a shower.

I messaged my sister. Her stand by continued, but we were headed in. Note that”game on mole” is a 70’s expression used in “The Shire” around surfies and books like Puberty Blues. It’s also pretty popular with the boxercise crew. I love that I’m having a moment, and she thinks it’s incontinence. Just what you want in a birth partner. hurrumph.

And later the conversation turned one sided:

My mobile tingled with a message. “Ok to facetime?” says my Melbourne cousin, after yesterday’s “Maybe I’m in pre labour” message. Hell yeah, why not. Hub-in-boots jumped in the shower. I had pants on, but not much else. And I took the call.

“Babe! How exciting! Pre labour!?”

“Yeah I know. There’s been developments. I just had a show. We’re heading in.”

“Oh! Are you serious? I never had one of those?”

“Hang on, I’ll just walk out here and grab my jeans.” As I stood up, it was like a waterfall. I could see my face blanch in the corner of the Facetime screen on the phone. And my cousin’s face looking just as shocked as mine.

“Jules? Have to go. Waters. Just. Broke.” She opened her mouth to say something, and I hit end call. I don’t think she’ll forget the first ever facetime call on her new ipad in a hurry.

“STEW! STEW!”

“What? What?”

“My WATERS BROKE! Towels!?”

“WHAT??????????”

“Towels!!!! Can’t MOVE!!!!!!”

“Oh my god!” We were both laughing again. As I went to take a step, more water. I changed again. More water. Changed again. More water. Stew had laid out a towel trail all over the apartment, everywhere I tried to move.

I sms’d my sister. Waters really really really broke. My phone was going crazy with messages. I did not touch it again til we were in the car.

“What the HELL am I going to wear?”

“are you serious? Your waters just broke and….”

“Well I was going to wear jeans?”

“Not. A .Good. Idea. Skirt? Maybe easier”

“Yep skirt! God! There they go again.”

“Ok, I’ll  start packing the car, you get ready. List. What else do we need?” As I tried to dress (repeatedly), I shouted out instructions. The list of last minute items was sitting ready by the tele, and Stew went through them and started running stuff to the car. Including the remaining crate of old towels we use as cleaning rags. ALL OF THEM.

It felt like it took me hours to get it together. I changed three or four times. I had absolutely no focus. I stopped and put make up on, and did my hair, and picked out earrings and a necklace. What the hell? You idiot! Your waters just broke and you are applying lipstick? Are you for real!? WHAT WAS I DOING??????

When the last round of waters broke and I said I was going to change again, hub-in-boots put his foot down.

“Babe. I really think we need to go.”

“ok”. I limped to the car and hoiked my skirt up to my hips. “MORE TOWELS babe. THREE MORE TOWELS.”

He towelled up the passenger seat, and we were off. He drove calmly, as I timed contractions, that were mostly at 8 minutes but still slightly irregular. The winding road to the hospital was strange, every bump and bend was funny. I sent a few messages to people that needed to know.

Stay tuned for active labour in Chapter 3.

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