Story of my life

The j-man… My story so far

Day 1

Came out a hollering . Had big puffy eyes with no whites showing, so I looked a bit like a creepy alien and freaked the folks out at times. My head wasn’t too pointy. I was little and pretty cute!!! Aunty cathy was impressed by my enormous balls. I was totally over the baby cave so I took the express exit strategy and was out in three and a half hours.

Later on in day 1, i had a bit of a blood sugar crash (1.7) and had to go to special care. Dad went along too, in case there were monkey babies to spot. There were. They gave me two lots of formula (gross, I didn’t want to drink it and the midwife smelt funny) to get things rolling again. Then we went back to mum.

We got a few visitors on day 1, i got my first teddy from cousin Bec, balloons, and mum got flowers, and grandma Judith came too. Mum looked totally wigged out about what just happened, but improved when i gave her a cuddle. Grandma elva couldn’t come and visit as she had a bad flu, so there were tears on the phone, she was very upset.

About midnight on day 1, i was a bit blue. That made people take notice. Dad and I went on a road trip again to the nursery, and they whacked me under a BBQ and checked my oxygen levels. I was fine. These people really make a fuss, and if they pricked my heel once again I was gonna kick a nurse. Finally Dad got to go home and have a quiet beer in front of the Olympics at about 2am. He has new grey hairs in his eyebrow. I did that.

Day 2

mum looked like hell. Well I thought so. Probably because of dr north korea visiting at 7am and poking around in her unmentionables. Ouch. She also didn’t get that much sleep. She took AGES in the bathroom. There was a hair dryer and ice packs involved, but let’s not go there. She walked funny. She was happy when the hospital brought us a fluffy white robe, bath products, a teddy bear and a hat for me.

She did sleep quite a lot in the breastfeeding class though, best sleep she’d had in days. I think she may have snored, and dribbled on dad’s shoulder. Dad took notes, so I was assuming I’d still get fed. Later on they kept waking me to feed because my blood sugar was too low, and I pretty much slept through my feeds while they tickled my feet and jiggled my arms. It took three people to get me through a feed.

Stupid nurse pricked my heel again, and after i scored three good readings in a row and one more trip to special care I got the all clear.

We went up for high tea in the afternoon. I didn’t know a person could eat that many scones and brownies. Mum really outdid herself. We had a few more visitors in the arvo, but I’m pretty sure they were just there for the cakes.

Then the sneaky buggers went from the nice cuddles at high tea to BATHING CLASS. Now I was quite willing to watch and learn, but oh no, DAD went and volunteered ME to be the demo kid. Bloody hell. Mum spent her whole time filming my bits, she was too tired for baths after all the cake eating, and then they told dad to use a football hold. WHAT THE?? Didn’t they know he’s a boundary umpire? The first thing those guys do with a football is throw it over their shoulder. I tried to tell them it was a bad idea. Dad said my screaming sounded like a pterodactyl. I pretty much didn’t stop, even though he made a really nice fist of the bathing caper. Mum was laughing at me, and the midwife running the class was trying to explain how soothing baths are, but no one could hear her over my screaming. I went berko.


Our mate Pete was visiting the class too, and he was making fun of my wussy cry and said his William’s one was WAY bigger. Eventually they gave up on getting me to relax. I stopped crying once or twice so mum got some good photies. I don’t think the midwife liked me. Dad had really big hands and my wrinkly bum looked hilarious when he held it.

I’ve since reassessed and I quite like baths.

Back in the room there were a few more visitors, including Uncle Pete. I think mum got jealous of the attention because that night she bunked me off to the nursery so she could sleep. Stupid midwives and their stupid suggestions. I got parked between two of the hairiest babies you’ve ever seen. Man those kids were uuuuugly.

Day 3 was Saturday. No classes to dribble through. Mum was looking better. I had a hearing test apparently, but I slept though it. I guess I passed.

Saturday, it was a chick cousin fest, and I was the centrepiece in pass the parcel.

Uncle Paul came too. Totally scored on the present front, bears were big. Cousin Bec brought mum’s banoffee pie as requested in her pregnancy blog, and mum pretty much caked up in the corner (again) and left me to entertain the guests.

I started to look less puffy. Some footy guys brought mum and dad wine instead of baby stuff.

Day 4, Sunday. Mum and dad planned to go out to tea tonight. We had a settling techniques class. Mum felt like crud. Mum did not do well in classes! When they talked about how hard we are to settle, mum just wigged out.

Sunday got a bit annoying because mum started to get these enormous bazungas that looked like rockmelons. Then she had ice packs EVERYWHERE. Six ice packs in her bra and extras in other places. Then they moved our rooms in the middle of nap time & visiting hours, so it was chaos. We got loads of visitors in the new room. Antonia, Greg and the kids, Janine & Beth, Penny, Jonno & the boys, Kim& steve, Uncle Jus. I scored more pressies.

I timed my feeds so there was no way mum and dad could get out to dinner. Dad packed up loads of stuff into the car because it was our last night.

Sunday night mum completely lost it. She had weird all over shaking and fevers, and they had to wrap her in hot blankets to stop the shaking , & bunk me off to the nursery with a bottle of expressed milk. I was still being a total bugger to feed, lazy and sleepy, and the midwife could not get me to drink. Mum had issues because of combined baby blues, freaking out about taking me home, and a fever as her milk was coming in. Cue the ice packs.

Monday, day 5, we went home, eventually, after the lactation chick checked us out feeding. Dr north Korea did his thing, the pediatrician visited, the discharge lady, you name it. Mum did a Physio class wearing a towelling robe and six ice packs in her bra. She looked awesome, especially during the mat work and crunches. Mum said she felt better, like her body was still there somewhere. Under 6 foot of ice packs, I reckon.

I screamed blue murder during the pre departure wardrobe change, but slept through the loading into the car, the car trip, the deli trip, and then another few hours. Mum and dad drank champagne.

Since then, dad’s had three weeks off work. They have found it a bit of a sleepless blur. I’ve changed a lot. At first, I was a bit of a lightweight and didn’t put on much weight (80g) in my second week, and everyone was worried. Weeks three and four I drove mum mad with feeding, often two hourly, and put on 350g each week. Total fatty.

I’m not quite as sleepy as I was, and a bit more interesting. Mum and Dad will tell you all about the cool stuff I can do soon.


2 thoughts on “Story of my life

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