Mother of invention #3: the tiny tyrant turn taker

New to the baby shopping channel this week: the Tiny Tyrant Turn Taker.

There are moments in every new parents’ life where you are both laying in bed, just on that lovely edge of sleep, and the baby starts to cry. Can you feign sleep and get the other person to get up? Can you stubbornly refuse? The question remains: whose turn is it?

As kids, we learn all about fair play, about sharing, sticking to rules, and turn taking. It is part of socialisation, so we don’t become the one with the “does NOT play well with others” t shirt. But something about parenthood turns you into a social cannibal…it is acquire sleep at all costs, all turn taking and fairness out the window. Survival of the fittest.

This is where the Tiny Tyrant Turn Taker (tttt) comes in. Using a complex logarithm, it analyses parenting behaviour, inputting all the known variables into its calculations to solve for the unknown x, where x = which parent is on duty. Batter up. No longer do turn taking decisions need to be the creator of the great relationship rift, no no. The decision is out of your hands. A buzzer sounds and the tiny tyrant turn machine lights up: HIS or HERS.

The model in this amazing calculator takes into account such factors as:

* bonus points for breastfeeding, extra if the feed was recent. Sadly this means dad is always behind
* level of relative partner fatigue
* general health of each partner
* sobriety, with personal preference settings either for the sober partner or for the inebriated one
* recent tasks. Bonus points for dirty nappy change with outfit change, bonus points for getting up between 1-5am, bonus points for getting peed on or chucked on, bonus points for an attempt at settling extending beyond 20 minutes or interrupting a fave tv show
* points can be counted for cooking tea, washing up, hanging out washing or taking out the garbage, all with the flick of a switch on the unit
* the receiver of a projectile vomit can declare all other points null and void

The circuit breakers override the standard logarithm. These are a safety feature, taking into account stress levels.

If one partner appears close to weeping or is standing too close to an open window with the baby, the default setting turn goes to the other partner.

In addition, if dad arrives home and mum has not managed to get out of her pyjamas or have a shower all day, it is dad’s turn for quite some time.

If she appears to have aged 10 years since he left for work, it is again dad’s turn.

If dad has had micro sleeps at red traffic lights all the way home from work, it’s mums turn.

If dad fell asleep at work at his desk and drooled whilst on the phone to a customer, it’s mums turn.

If its a school night and after 1am, it’s mums turn so dad keeps bringing home the bacon…

…unless mum is close to having a nervie.

Other personal settings and preferences are possible, and it comes in three great colours to match your decor. In case of parental tantrums, the unit is coated in Unbreakable Titanium.

For only three easy payments of $99.95, the Tiny Tyrant Turn Taker can be yours today. Order yours now.

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2 thoughts on “Mother of invention #3: the tiny tyrant turn taker

  1. jeannie

    I like this, do you have to play fair or can you say you were up for an hour two hours ago because you know they don’t know because they were asleep when you got up to go to the toilet and checked the dummy on your way past?

    1. Aw, I’m not above subterfuge. I hAve done the ” here you take him, rough day” when I’ve actually just finished a cuppa & episode of gossip girl. All is fair in love & parenthood!!

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