Now to the baby shopping network, the baby shusher.
The baby shusher is great for those moments when you’d pay $1000 just to lie down for five minutes or have five minutes free of crying.
The baby shusher listens to the baby’s cry, and rhythmically shushes as an appropriate volume. Every two minutes, it checks the ambient noise, pauses, and shushes again, until your newborn is off in the land of nod and you are happily deepening your most important relationship: the one with your pillow.
No more pulling on a ribbon whilst lying in bed to rock that bassinet*. No more standing leaning on that crib close to weeping as he opens his eyes yet again, just hang the shusher on that basket and get yourself some shut eye. He won’t know the difference. You can use our automated shusher, or record a custom shush so the baby will be fooled into thinking you’re there^^. It’s like having a librarian in every house.
* this really happened. Last night
^^ ummm this isn’t a joke. The baby shusher actually exists. It’s in the app store. Best $5 I ever spent. I’ve got a custom shush. So far, it’s been solely responsible for settling five times. Bargain. God bless shusher app developers and lazy ass parents, everywhere.
Aside: Tonight the j man did not require shushing as a settling technique. I needed settling though. This involved an Aperol spritz and a chicken schnitzel. Awesome.