Mother of invention # 8: the Poonami warning system

Because of past disasters with multiple casualties, a Poonami warning system is being installed in any child born in 2012 or later. Parents these days have too much multitasking going down to cope with unannounced disaster. The casualties are just too high.

The Poonami warning alarm will sound a “woop woop woop” when scientists predict a Poonami is approaching. All people in the immediate area should clear a margin of safety around the child, particularly when it has been observed that the poo level has got quite low in the past few days. This is a sign of an approaching Poonami. The Poonami is also likely to strike when in a social situation without a change table, fresh outfit or wipes. The Poonami may strike harder when meals have just been served, or when you are out with people trying to prove you can, indeed, have a life and a child. The Poonami can also be brought on by the wearing of a brand new, preferably expensive outfit, important appointment times or deadlines.

A red face and grunting may indicate the Poonami is approaching, however the true Poonami can often sneak up unheralded. There is no limit to the spread of a Poonami. The area and territory affected can be wide and multifaceted.

When the woop woop woop sounds, lay out a fresh disposable change mat, ready the wipes. Don gloves. Get odour killing equipment ready. Roll up your sleeves. Cancel social engagements. Stay in the safety of your home. Be prepared to throw out outfits. Yours and bubs. If you can, move to higher ground. In the event of a Poonami, remain calm. Remove all clothing towards the feet. Remove socks. Try to prevent spreading panic and poo by keeping limbs still.

The Poonami warning system: stay safe, be prepared.

note: the warning system has been developed after a spectacular one sided Poonami at mums n bubs boxing class in a park, involving a white hand knitted blanket, an expensive pram, a suit and jeggins, and a sleeping jman. The end.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Mother of invention # 8: the Poonami warning system

  1. Poonami system would have been so useful in my day (not that long ago really) and saved many a babygro. You however forgot to mention one critical time when poonami is almost so likely to occur that the TAB has stopped taking bets on it. It is called boarding a long haul flight. Xavi (X-man) went through 4 (yes 4) babygros just on the Sydney to Bangkok leg of the Sydney to London flight. I was obviously impervious to my wife’s plight with X-man and my 2 year old daughter (just entering rather violent stage of terrbile 2’s where the concept of sitting in a chair on a flight for 8 hours is unheard of as we have a whole plane to explore) as I was already back in London doing my dissertation. The only fortunate thing about this was that my wife in a bizarre moment of genius had shoved 4 spare babygros into her hand luggage and thus saved herself from even more glowering looks from fellow passengers.

    1. Omg! That sounds intense! My record is three outfits, back when I was slow at this so he peed during the cleanup. Your poor wife. I look at people with kids in long haul very differently now…

  2. Hahahahahaha! I know several new moms who could use this 🙂 I also know some pregnant ladies (maybe this one…) who are suffering from “farts with parts” and could use a similar system for their own behind!

  3. Kerstin

    “If you can, move to higher ground.”
    I tried so hard not to laugh out loud reading this (daughter sleeping on my lap). Well, she is awake now. But totally worth it!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s