Mother of invention #42: the toddler babel fish

New to the kids shopping channel: toddler babel fish. This is a small piece of soggy cereal like thing, that looks like something you scraped off the messy mat this morning. Do you have the guts to stick it in your ear? It may be hard to stomach, but then your toddler’s intentions will be clearly communicated in plain English, as the babel fish translates any language into any other. Toddler included.

“Mmm hmmm (in a sing song intonation)”

translation: I’d quite like some of your porridge. It looks better than my breakfast.

“No bubba”

translation: it’s morning. I only do single syllables, but this porridge is bloody hot. Plus it’s skim milk, not whole milk, and finding entire intact raisins in your nappy? Gross. No bubba.

“Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

Translation: sorry to pierce your ear drum like that mum, it’s just that I’d quite like the remote control and you seem to have moved it out of my reach. I’m not sure why. It looks tasty enough, and you two seem to be pretty close, so it must be a fun thing.

“Ba!”

translation: bath. I’ve forgotten how to do the th’s’ today. I don’t know why you’re holding out on me, but I’d actually rather a bath than a nap, okay?

“Ba!”

translation: Boo!

“Ba!”

translation: did you see that bird mum?

“Ba?”

translation: can you read me a book please?

“Mummummumdaddadmummum ohhhhhhhhh”

translation: I’m not quite ready to go to bed. Leave me alone.

“Ahhhhhhhh argle argle ba did po”

translation: stop with the spoon in the mouth already and get me a bloody drink woman. Are your ears painted on?

“Eh eh eh uh eh eh eh” ( upon opening the front door)

translation: thank god we’re going out. You’ve been quite dull today. Wiping and scrubbing everything, and all those and no no no’s. And this wet weather. No park? I’ve got cabin fever.

“Urf. Fuffle. Urf. Pa.”

translation: stop with the pumpkin. No. More. Pumpkin. But I’m still hungry, ok? Make with the yoghurt.

The babel fish come in two packs for the ultimate in democratic two way communication with your little buttercup. Just $42 each, but in our special offer the first 200 callers will buy one and get one free. It will revolutionise your days of charades and squeals, transforming your home into a harmonious haven of love and intellectual and emotional development.

That is, of course, unless you insist on him not eating the remote. Then you’re stuffed.

The Monday snapshot: peekaboo jman

This video was taken with the help of drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. A rare few minutes of sunshine in a crappy crappy perfect storm of a week…

Me with a pinched nerve in my neck from hefting fatty mcfat fat around, him with a crazy cold, fevers, nap strike, sleep strike, personality strike, my mum in for surgery, so many football commitments I feel like a single parent… it HAS NOT BEEN FUN.

Except for this bit. This was fun.

Mother of invention #12: nap zapper

The children’s shopping channel has been quiet of late (it’s called crawling, first cold, first time he ate an earring, first time he ate a cuff link..bad parenting, much?)…

But we’re back, bigger & better than ever. Introducing the nap zapper.

Ever spend an hour settling your precious little cherub for a long overdue nap, only to have them wake 25 minutes later? Ever have them go on a nap strike due to nasal congestion, plain old stubbornness, or just bad luck? The little darling clinging to your calf, weeping, whilst simultaneously going “no mum, I’m fine, no tiredness here. Move along. I’m playing, see?”.

Introducing the nap zapper. A cousin to the sonic screwdriver, the nap zapper simply needs to be waved in the direction of the offending zombie child, and whooska! a two hour nap ensues. No patting, rocking, driving arpund the block, singing, feeding or cajoling required. You, too, can feel like you’re following every ‘you should’ in the parenting manual, putting them down drowsy but awake… Or in this case, totally unconscious. What the hey.

The nap zapper. Just one easy payment equivalent to your standard monthly mortgage. You know you want to. The new model comes with tunes, a cup of tea , magazine and disco lights, so you can party on down when your gorgeous little cherry blossom relinquishes that tight hold on consciousness.

Buy yours today, parents, and a little piece of sanity cake can be yours….