New to the kids shopping channel: toddler babel fish. This is a small piece of soggy cereal like thing, that looks like something you scraped off the messy mat this morning. Do you have the guts to stick it in your ear? It may be hard to stomach, but then your toddler’s intentions will be clearly communicated in plain English, as the babel fish translates any language into any other. Toddler included.
“Mmm hmmm (in a sing song intonation)”
translation: I’d quite like some of your porridge. It looks better than my breakfast.
translation: it’s morning. I only do single syllables, but this porridge is bloody hot. Plus it’s skim milk, not whole milk, and finding entire intact raisins in your nappy? Gross. No bubba.
Translation: sorry to pierce your ear drum like that mum, it’s just that I’d quite like the remote control and you seem to have moved it out of my reach. I’m not sure why. It looks tasty enough, and you two seem to be pretty close, so it must be a fun thing.
translation: bath. I’ve forgotten how to do the th’s’ today. I don’t know why you’re holding out on me, but I’d actually rather a bath than a nap, okay?
translation: did you see that bird mum?
translation: can you read me a book please?
translation: I’m not quite ready to go to bed. Leave me alone.
“Ahhhhhhhh argle argle ba did po”
translation: stop with the spoon in the mouth already and get me a bloody drink woman. Are your ears painted on?
“Eh eh eh uh eh eh eh” ( upon opening the front door)
translation: thank god we’re going out. You’ve been quite dull today. Wiping and scrubbing everything, and all those and no no no’s. And this wet weather. No park? I’ve got cabin fever.
“Urf. Fuffle. Urf. Pa.”
translation: stop with the pumpkin. No. More. Pumpkin. But I’m still hungry, ok? Make with the yoghurt.
The babel fish come in two packs for the ultimate in democratic two way communication with your little buttercup. Just $42 each, but in our special offer the first 200 callers will buy one and get one free. It will revolutionise your days of charades and squeals, transforming your home into a harmonious haven of love and intellectual and emotional development.
That is, of course, unless you insist on him not eating the remote. Then you’re stuffed.