Having trouble losing those baby kilos? Turned into a cake eating monster with breastfeeding hunger? Both eating for six thanks to that shut in lifestyle where you grab anything you can to eat in the sixteen seconds your child decides to nap?
Here on the baby shopping network, we give to you the miraculous toddler diet. Forget the Dukan, forget the low carb, forget the palaeolithic diet. They are sooooo yesterday. The toddler diet is where it’s at.
The diet includes full meal and activity plans for seven days. Your jeans will love you for it. To participate fully in the diet, you need to embrace the toddler mindset like a method actor. The deep seated irrationality will assist you in maintaining activity levels and eating plans.
More detailed meal plans will be provided when the full diet plan is purchased. Just $79 will see daily meal plans in your inbox for a whole month. Eat my shorts, Jenny Craig!!!
You are an eating machine. You love food. When a bowl is empty, you squeal and shake your hands to get more like you will die without it.
Breakfast: 3 bowls of stewed fruit with yoghurt and rice cereal.
Toast. Spread toast thinly with butter and vegemite. Try to smear every bit of vegemite into your hair or onto someone else’s outfit. Suck on each piece of toast for six minutes, longer if someone looks like they may want to leave the house. Then spit it out.
Lunch: anything on anyone else’s plate. Give the impression of being full as the bags are packed, then get really hungry once you’re out. Eat most of your mother’s pasta, a banana, sixteen corn cakes, half an avocado, and then look around like you’ve never been fed.
Afternoon snack: bust open a packet of rusks in the kitchen, then have a hunt in the fridge for something to dip them into**.
Dinner: sweet potato, carrot ,pumpkin, green beans, chicken strips. Try cramming all of these into your mouth at once, so you resemble a squirrel. Under no circumstances should you chew**.
Second dinner***: a veal shank bone and a bread roll. Make meaningful noises at people til you get some fruit and yoghurt
Exercise: unpack every cupboard in the house onto the floor. Find a random object from every room to hide somewhere unrelated**.
You hate food. They are trying to poison you. Refuse everything.Eat mainly dead leaves and flowers in the park. Chew on any sticks you find. Eat jewellery. See if you can find any tasty looking cuff links**.
Day 2 activity plan: Lose your s#%t anytime you see a piece of technology someone won’t let you have. This includes iPhones, iPads, remote controls, and cordless phones**. By throwing yourself at the fun police and hurling your body at fixed obstacles, you will burn calories and tighten up that muscle tone.
You are really hungry, but only want things you can feed yourself. As an adult, to achieve toddler zen in this sense, eat all of today’s meals using only a straw.
Exercise plan: crawl quickly around the house all day, non stop, with the aim of collecting every minute object stuck in the carpet^^.
Day 4: Colour my day.
Eat only one colour food all day. Preferably not green. Choose from apples, tomatoes, red meat and capsicum, or cheese, banana and polenta, or just carb up on the white stuff.
Day 4 activity plan: wait until you think everyone else is really busy with lots of things to do outside the house, then sleep. And sleep. If possible, sleep the entire day, waking only long enough to wee, eat, and drink before going back to sleep**.
Day 5: One bite day.
Today, you will eat one bite or every single food that is offered to you. Make appreciative noises. Then refuse any more. Except avocado. If anyone offers you avocado, go nuts for it. Eat and eat and eat and eat avocado**.
Day 5 activity plan: today is a falling down day. If anything has wheels, climb on it. If there’s a hard surface, whack your head into it. Trip on your own feet and face plant at least three times**.
Day 6: avocado is your enemy.
Today, eat only yogurt and breakfast cereal.
Day 6 activity plan: refusals. Burn calories today by refusing to lie still during nappy changes, refuse being strapped into the car seat or pram , go berserk when you are put into a chair trying to get out of it, go mad when you are put down, and mental when you are picked up.
repeat your favourite day.
The toddler diet. Because there’s very few fat toddlers out there, and lots of frustrated parents playing “airplanes”. Because you can be as thin as they can, if only you embrace the insanity that is a one to three year old.
**this really happened
*** jman nearly always has second dinner
^^ this happens pretty much every day