It’s not you, it’s me

So on your dark days as a maternity leave mum, you think this will all be behind me when I’m back at work. I’ll feel better when I’m back at work. Like somehow you can slip on your old skin and you’ll be back to “normal” , but with a child after work hours.

I have to admit that even through my tears after leaving jman today for the first time, there was a slight lightening. A lift, a sense of things being simplified. A joy in jumping in the car, turning off the nursery rhymes and throwing on jjj in all it’s loud sweary glory at full bore.

And then I found myself driving along a road, announcing “bump!” As I hit speedhumps.

And I drove past a car accident, not going “bloody traffic” but going “ooooooh. Fire engine. Look at the lights ”

Wanting to point out a helicopter flying overhead.

Ooooh dog, woo woo woo woo. Bird! Ute. Truck. Bus.

Yep, it was awesome filling up the car with petrol without the in and out of car seat drama.

Yes picking up a quick take away coffee and standing to wait for it for two minutes without having to hold someone back from running out the door onto the road, that was relaxing.

I went to the toilet on my own.

But you will never be the same person again when you have a child. Nothing in the world looks the same.

Even when they’re not with you.

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8 thoughts on “It’s not you, it’s me

  1. When I am driving without a kid in my car, it freaks me out sometimes to look back there and not see them – an instant fear that I forgot them or something. So stupid, but it happens. I also continue to make note of dump trucks, windmills, water towers, etc and laugh at myself for it.

    I hope tomorrow is a bit easier.

    1. Thank you, it was. Big gay al got him down for his nap in 10 min ( takes me a car or 30 min shushing), and I was there when he woke, so as far as he knew four hours without mum. We still hung out there playing til 4. He won’t really eat lunch for Big Gay Al yet, but we’re getting there. And jman’s been in great spirits and lots of fun at home after we leave, so the sense of “betrayal” or “broken bond” I dreaded from him hasn’t eventuated. Such a relief not to have to do it today though.

      Also, something comforting is that when he’s up after nap time, he never asked to go. He just went “oh cool! Mums here!” And went on playing and pottering at Big Gay Al’s.. Never once said “car” or “bye bye” which is his usual “come on let’s get outta here mum” thing.

  2. JJ

    Years later and I still remember that feeling.

    However, the best feeling was a pedestrian being able to cross the road with the red man. Sounds naughty, I know!! Never did it with the children around for very good safety reasons but by myself … felt like freedom.

    1. Omg I do that. I LOVE darting across the road mid traffic when he’s not with me. It was a lifestyle choice when I lived in London, and a habit I only shake when waking with jman. Plus cross illegally with a pram and geez do you eg a judgy stare or 200. Ive only done it once or twice at a very quiet intersection I know well, but geez the judgy looks and tut tutters!

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