Twas the night before Christmas 

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through our flatsNot a creature was sleeping, despite hours of pats

We’d run out of loo paper, and coffee beans too

The presents were wrapped, though we’d lost quite a few

The children were jumping all Over their beds**

While reruns of Disney films danced in their heads
When what to my wondering eyes should appear

A carrot, a cookie and a big mug of beer

And though a kilo of prawns made me feel a bit sick,

I knew in a moment I must be Saint Nick .

I was dressed all in chaos from my head to my toes

When the empty threats started, and my temper arose

“I’m calling santa! He won’t be coming!”

I gesticulated wildly, sent them all running

On potty , on teeth, on bath, on no sweets!

On veggies, no soft drinks, and no tiny feets!

To the top of my game! And To the instructions?

Quick! To the bubbles, before the destruction!

I drank and I ate and I built and I slept

I watched bad Christmas carols, I almost wept

I had a round face, I felt a bit smelly

I’d cooked , and for trifle I had made the jelly

I was jolly and plump, from too many work parties

So I plonked on the lounge, and ate all the smarties

And I heard me exclaim, ‘ere I faded from sight

Christmas Eve, to parents, is a bloody long night.#

Footnotes:

** we only have one child. But my husband was also jumping on the bed

# this is almost an entirely truthful & accurate depiction of our Xmas eve.
Merry Christmas.

The reason for the season

Jman has has another word explosion (more on this in a future post), which made Christmas even more entertaining.

I didn’t quite expect:
A) to already be assembling presents late into the night Xmas eve and Xmas eve eve
B) for him to shout “yaaaaaay!” And clap each time he saw a present (and then say, and sign, more)
C) for him to open the present then demand in his jargoning jibberish for the box to be removed so he could see what was inside
D ) for him to be so conscious of Xmas this year, to understand so much, and to enjoy it so much. He holds a copy of our Santa photo and points: “mum”. yes that’s mum “dada!”. yes, that’s dada. “San!” yes, that’s Santa. “tree!” yes, that’s a Xmas tree.

It was nice to have a celebration where I felt I had a little thinking communicating person on board, not a baby, and it gave a reason and a forward momentum to the season. Slightly edgy with the imminent return to work, but at last feeling like a mother with a child to care for, not an infertile with a bonus baby…just a real family.

I wasn’t very happy in the lead up to Xmas for a number of reasons, (some in my previous post), but it all pales into insignificance when you see your boy meeting his new toy kitchen for the first time.

Our stockings are full.

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Mother of invention #10: nursery rhyme warning labels

So the jman and I, we received a book/cd Christmas gift, of “baby’s favourite nursery rhymes”. Aside from the fact that “Hey diddle diddle” has been done over all hip hop, I’ve begun listening to what I’m actually saying in our baby karaoke sessions. Oh sure, he laughs when I dance to the Christmas Garfield that plays the Benny Hill Theme tune**, but i put on this cd in those oh so slow mornings, and nothing compares to a good ole’ fashioned nursery rhyme, right? Right?

Omg, the lyrics, people.

So here on the baby shopping channel, is a set of nursery rhyme warning labels, rhyme by rhyme. Stick these in your books, to go with our politically correct universe and nanny states. Available in three colours: pink, blue, and non judgemental non gender bias neutral / beige.

This little piggie: I am not down with pigs that eat roast beef. I foresee an existential crisis in our future when giant carnivorous pigs either roam the world, or starve, or have continence issues, going wee wee wee all the way home.
warning: pigs are generally herbivores and any depiction to the contrary in this rhyme is for poetic purposes only. The last pig is a stern reminder to do those pelvic floor exercises before, during, and after having children.

Rock-a-bye baby: hanging your child from a tree top in a windstorm is not accepted in most parenting manuals. Singing to your child about falling out of trees, even to a lovely tune, may be viewed as a threat.
warning: don’t try this at home

Round and round the garden:I thought teddy bears had picnics. I’m so confused.
warning: if you see teddy bears going round and round your garden, seek medical assistance/ step away from the cookie

Five little ducks (went out one day…over the hill and far away): mother duck has been reported to the Department of Community Services and is currently under investigation.
warning: if you lose a child every time you go out, this is not viewed as acceptable parenting by modern day standards. Whilst the depiction is historically accurate as most people in the hey day of Catholicism had spare children, this is no longer the case.

Three blind mice

What this nursery rhyme says about treatment of the disabled, animal vivisection, and farming just doesn’t bear repeating. But currently holidaying on a farm that once had a mouse plague, I can kind of see where she’s coming from with the carving knife thing.

warning: don’t come at the blind or disabled with a knife. It’s not cool, mmmkay?

**my mother rang me from Coles to ask could she buy this for jman. I was nearly crying with laughter at the “Christmas music” over the phone. I love that somewhere in china, a group of factory workers think the Benny hill theme song is a Xmas carol. As does my mother!

I’m sure I’ve missed a few. Add your warnings below.

The Monday snapshot: elf yourself

The weekend saw our first family road trip to Canberra, about 3 hours south. The jman turns out to be a great traveller, with only one stop down and a straight run back home, very little whinging and one chilled out little dude in the car.

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As this was a pre Xmas Xmas, complete with turducken, the Jman broke out the Xmas comedy dressing for the fam. Hilarious. I’ve previously discussed our differing opinions on comedy dressing, but I think we won daddy/ hub-in-boots over, in the end.

Please note, I am only responsible for the elfing. The Santa -ing was a combo of a present from uncle peter, and a madonna like wardrobe change courtesy of cousin Bec. He seriously looks impressed with himself, don’t you think? It’s only in the past week he’s discovered mirrors. Sure to be a lifelong devotion, methinks.

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Grandma bought him a music box that plays jingle bells, and the snow whirls around when the music plays. Grandma is well known for being obsessed with xmas. The jman is pretty damn impressed with his first music box. This pose lasted for about half an hour.
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It was great to get a fore taste of Xmas with a baby on board…it changes things, or maybe makes us remember things… For example the value of a house full of babysitters and a couple of expressed feeds! Hello, Pinot, my old friend!

I get a feeling from his weekend performance, the jman will be like dad, an introverted extrovert, who starts off quiet til he’s sure of himself, then just loves being the centre of the party. It was great having everyone together on a happier occasion than the last time.

And finally, a word from the Jman about the weekend. It seems in the midst of a very loud family he realised he’d better find his voice, and fast!