Mother of invention #10: nursery rhyme warning labels

So the jman and I, we received a book/cd Christmas gift, of “baby’s favourite nursery rhymes”. Aside from the fact that “Hey diddle diddle” has been done over all hip hop, I’ve begun listening to what I’m actually saying in our baby karaoke sessions. Oh sure, he laughs when I dance to the Christmas Garfield that plays the Benny Hill Theme tune**, but i put on this cd in those oh so slow mornings, and nothing compares to a good ole’ fashioned nursery rhyme, right? Right?

Omg, the lyrics, people.

So here on the baby shopping channel, is a set of nursery rhyme warning labels, rhyme by rhyme. Stick these in your books, to go with our politically correct universe and nanny states. Available in three colours: pink, blue, and non judgemental non gender bias neutral / beige.

This little piggie: I am not down with pigs that eat roast beef. I foresee an existential crisis in our future when giant carnivorous pigs either roam the world, or starve, or have continence issues, going wee wee wee all the way home.
warning: pigs are generally herbivores and any depiction to the contrary in this rhyme is for poetic purposes only. The last pig is a stern reminder to do those pelvic floor exercises before, during, and after having children.

Rock-a-bye baby: hanging your child from a tree top in a windstorm is not accepted in most parenting manuals. Singing to your child about falling out of trees, even to a lovely tune, may be viewed as a threat.
warning: don’t try this at home

Round and round the garden:I thought teddy bears had picnics. I’m so confused.
warning: if you see teddy bears going round and round your garden, seek medical assistance/ step away from the cookie

Five little ducks (went out one day…over the hill and far away): mother duck has been reported to the Department of Community Services and is currently under investigation.
warning: if you lose a child every time you go out, this is not viewed as acceptable parenting by modern day standards. Whilst the depiction is historically accurate as most people in the hey day of Catholicism had spare children, this is no longer the case.

Three blind mice

What this nursery rhyme says about treatment of the disabled, animal vivisection, and farming just doesn’t bear repeating. But currently holidaying on a farm that once had a mouse plague, I can kind of see where she’s coming from with the carving knife thing.

warning: don’t come at the blind or disabled with a knife. It’s not cool, mmmkay?

**my mother rang me from Coles to ask could she buy this for jman. I was nearly crying with laughter at the “Christmas music” over the phone. I love that somewhere in china, a group of factory workers think the Benny hill theme song is a Xmas carol. As does my mother!

I’m sure I’ve missed a few. Add your warnings below.

The Monday snapshot (on Tuesday, holidays!): lawnmower man

It’s late. Yeah, whatevs. Holidays. We’re up my brother’s farm in the hunter valley. The jman met his first dog, and took on some farm equipment. Look at that face!

Unfortunately, I’ve realised “holiday” as a mum, is a bit of a misnomer. Same work, different location and with less gear and routine. Which in his case equals less sleep. For all of us. Gah. Still, nice to have a change of scene…and jman’s enjoying waking up to daddy every day.

It is nice to get away, breathe a bit of country air, eat nice meals, have the occasional lunch out…and we’re damn lucky we can have free holidays. I can imagine him here in a few years, chasing turtles and wombats, catching tadpoles and yabbies, picking apples, harassing passing birds and trying out all the big farm toys!