Mother of invention #6: time glue

The baby shopping network has an amazing product on offer today, invaluable to every mum and dad: time glue.

Long stretches of time are not a problem for parents. Time in fact becomes fragmented, chopped down, sped up. There is the 1 min and 35 seconds you have between sitting down to a meal and the first cry.

There is the three minutes of magic between putting baby down to sleep and him reawakening with gusto.

There is the 15 minute window where you can drink a glass of wine before you run out of time to shed it by the next feed.

There is the 4 minutes and 58 seconds of your favourite tv show before you need to jump up and put on or hang out teeny tiny washing.

There is the incredibly accelerated time between feeds, where life outside baby feeding is fragmented into very fast moving two hour blocks. This is sleep time, shopping time, transit time and housework time.

Many things in pre baby life do not fit into these small chunks of time. Life lived in tiny snatches can be exhausting.This is where our new product, time glue, comes in.

Time glue can take those truncated 120 minute sleeps, and stick them all together into one glorious 8 hour block. Time glue can remove those five minute dashes to the shower and turn them into an hour long uninterrupted soak in the tub.

That shopping trip you’ve been desperate to take can really suck when it takes 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, leaving you with 1 hour 20 to shop, but time glue will stick those baby’s micro sleeps together into one glorious block of walking around with two hands free. You might use time glue to cook an actual meal from start to finish, or make and wait for it, drink a cup of tea while it’s still hot.

Some buyers have suggested they may use time glue to read an actual book or rekindle their love life.. What you use it for is up to you. Time glue is versatile, water and vomit proof, available in a travel size and ‘super economy god I want my life back size’. Get yours today…or continue to live life like one long impersonation of the road runner. Your call.

Mother of invention #5: the nursery blade

Calling all product developers. This one’s not quite ready for the baby shopping network just yet.

The nursery blade? It’s not as bad as it sounds.

Have you seen / experienced the Dyson Air Blade hand dryer in a bathroom? You stick your little moist fingers in between the two sides, and in a crazy blast of high powered air in 15 seconds flat, unlike most bathroom hand dryers, your hands actually come out dry. Crazy.

Well, viewers, here’s the thing. One night, dying to go back to bed after a night feed, but needing a top to toe change on the j man because he’d peed up his back again (and was up to five outfit changes in 12 hours), I had a lightbulb moment.

We need a Dyson air blade made slightly larger and mounted on the nursery wall. Then I could just hold Jman by the armpits, insert his wet little body, outfit, singlet, and wrap in the air blade, lift him out dry 15 seconds later, and shot him into bed. Hell, if you were a REALLY lazy parent, you could pop him in a cloth nappy and just dry off those wet ones without the tiresome nappy change. Imagine the washing you’d save? Plus the heat would do wonders for his wind pain.

So that’s what I’d like, a nursery air blade. Product developers apply here.

Mother of invention #4: the shusher

Now to the baby shopping network, the baby shusher.

The baby shusher is great for those moments when you’d pay $1000 just to lie down for five minutes or have five minutes free of crying.

The baby shusher listens to the baby’s cry, and rhythmically shushes as an appropriate volume. Every two minutes, it checks the ambient noise, pauses, and shushes again, until your newborn is off in the land of nod and you are happily deepening your most important relationship: the one with your pillow.

No more pulling on a ribbon whilst lying in bed to rock that bassinet*. No more standing leaning on that crib close to weeping as he opens his eyes yet again, just hang the shusher on that basket and get yourself some shut eye. He won’t know the difference. You can use our automated shusher, or record a custom shush so the baby will be fooled into thinking you’re there^^. It’s like having a librarian in every house.

* this really happened. Last night

^^ ummm this isn’t a joke. The baby shusher actually exists. It’s in the app store. Best $5 I ever spent. I’ve got a custom shush. So far, it’s been solely responsible for settling five times. Bargain. God bless shusher app developers and lazy ass parents, everywhere.

Aside: Tonight the j man did not require shushing as a settling technique. I needed settling though. This involved an Aperol spritz and a chicken schnitzel. Awesome.

Notes to self

Note to self 1: when you message a photo of j man to your brother, if taken during a feed, stop and check that your boob is not in the photo

Note to self 2: after pissing yourself laughing about sending your bro a boob, & telling your husband about the epic fail, ensure hub-in-boots is crystal clear on which photo it was so he does not inadvertently email it on to all the ladies in his office

Note to self 3: if you’ve put the baby capsule back together after washing bits, and the harness is coming out of three places it is no longer a five point harness and you’ve probably made a mistake and may kill your child. Obey that nagging feeling in your head and unlike the “approved installation station”, inspect it thoroughly

Note to self 4: when you decide to go to a babes in arms movie session at the last minute and a feed is due, remember to wear nursing pads. Mmm circle work. Lucky it’s dark in there…..

Note to self 5: popcorn is not a breakfast food

Note to self 6: if it’s possible j-man will fall asleep on his feeding pillow during a feed, ensure you can a) reach the remote and b) don’t need to pee, first. That way being trapped on the lounge with him out to it on your lap won’t be quite so dramatic

Note to self 7: drinking red wine at speed whilst kicking the basinette with your foot may not qualify as a settling technique

Note to self 9: if your “bong toting binge drinking loudly arguing vomiting from above onto your balcony lets call the cops again neighbour” doesn’t show up with her newborn to your new mums group, try and avoid sharing your immense relief (and gory details) with other mums, in case she got the day wrong and is actually still coming in week 2….

Note to self 10: that is not fake tan on your newborn’s leg. No no. That nappy in act deserves its’ own dedicated post.

Calendar boy

We’re thinking of doing a calendar, mum and I. Here’s september:

And maybe December?

And to me, this one says June.

Mum always hated February in London, maybe this could be February??

Dad wants to get a look in too, so here’s November. Resting up before the party season?

I’m sure it will sell well. Oh and here’s our YouTube vid. Mum and I are planning on going viral, the excitement level is mad in this little number. Better than the x factor. Wait til we start dancing.

Jensen chats on YouTube

Mother of invention #3: the tiny tyrant turn taker

New to the baby shopping channel this week: the Tiny Tyrant Turn Taker.

There are moments in every new parents’ life where you are both laying in bed, just on that lovely edge of sleep, and the baby starts to cry. Can you feign sleep and get the other person to get up? Can you stubbornly refuse? The question remains: whose turn is it?

As kids, we learn all about fair play, about sharing, sticking to rules, and turn taking. It is part of socialisation, so we don’t become the one with the “does NOT play well with others” t shirt. But something about parenthood turns you into a social cannibal…it is acquire sleep at all costs, all turn taking and fairness out the window. Survival of the fittest.

This is where the Tiny Tyrant Turn Taker (tttt) comes in. Using a complex logarithm, it analyses parenting behaviour, inputting all the known variables into its calculations to solve for the unknown x, where x = which parent is on duty. Batter up. No longer do turn taking decisions need to be the creator of the great relationship rift, no no. The decision is out of your hands. A buzzer sounds and the tiny tyrant turn machine lights up: HIS or HERS.

The model in this amazing calculator takes into account such factors as:

* bonus points for breastfeeding, extra if the feed was recent. Sadly this means dad is always behind
* level of relative partner fatigue
* general health of each partner
* sobriety, with personal preference settings either for the sober partner or for the inebriated one
* recent tasks. Bonus points for dirty nappy change with outfit change, bonus points for getting up between 1-5am, bonus points for getting peed on or chucked on, bonus points for an attempt at settling extending beyond 20 minutes or interrupting a fave tv show
* points can be counted for cooking tea, washing up, hanging out washing or taking out the garbage, all with the flick of a switch on the unit
* the receiver of a projectile vomit can declare all other points null and void

The circuit breakers override the standard logarithm. These are a safety feature, taking into account stress levels.

If one partner appears close to weeping or is standing too close to an open window with the baby, the default setting turn goes to the other partner.

In addition, if dad arrives home and mum has not managed to get out of her pyjamas or have a shower all day, it is dad’s turn for quite some time.

If she appears to have aged 10 years since he left for work, it is again dad’s turn.

If dad has had micro sleeps at red traffic lights all the way home from work, it’s mums turn.

If dad fell asleep at work at his desk and drooled whilst on the phone to a customer, it’s mums turn.

If its a school night and after 1am, it’s mums turn so dad keeps bringing home the bacon…

…unless mum is close to having a nervie.

Other personal settings and preferences are possible, and it comes in three great colours to match your decor. In case of parental tantrums, the unit is coated in Unbreakable Titanium.

For only three easy payments of $99.95, the Tiny Tyrant Turn Taker can be yours today. Order yours now.

Ding dong, the witch is dead

An interruption to our invention broadcasts: This week I had my six week check up with Dr North Korea.

For those not in the loop, he won the title of Dr North Korea because of the dictatorial style he adopts in patient care, and the lack of involvement one gets in ones own health decisions. It wasn’t pleasant being his patient. He has all the empathy of a firing squad. It isn’t his fault, he’s a little aspergers-y, I’m thinking.

Anyhoo, my vijay jay passed the test, we’re healing nicely, thanks very much. Tick.

Let’s now reassess all the things he said would happen:

1. We’ll have an enormous baby on the 90th percentile

J-man was on the 25th percentile. He’s a little tacker. Good work with the ultrasound wand you bloody dill.

2. We’ll be separated at birth while he goes into days of special care for low blood sugar

He popped into special care for five minutes at a time, and had a few heel prick tests, and by 1 day old he was sorted.

3. I would have a caesarean

Natural birth, gas.

4. If I had a natural labour, my blood clot would rupture and the baby would die (his actual words)

The 60ml haematoma was re absorbed by 27 weeks, I had a natural labour, and bub was pretty happy actually

5. I’d have an induction

Nope. I told j-man when it was ok to come. He came 4 days later. Two and half weeks before the induction.

6. If I tried natural labour, I’d end up in an emergency c section

Or have a record 3.5 hr natural labour. With a bit of gas. And the jbaby arrived before the obstetrician did. Ha. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

7. We were at huge risk of pre term labour

He came at full term.

8. My gestational diabetes spelled disaster for us both, I’d be on insulin, blah blah blah

I saw dieticians and endocrinologists, I took oral meds, I watched my diet like a freakin hawk. I put on about 2.5 kg in pregnancy. I’m now 6kg below my pre pregnancy weight. Thinner than I’ve been for years. After 15 weeks bed rest.The bub was small. I rock.

9.I would never be able to breast feed (his actual words) because of gestational diabetes, PCOS and age

Ummm….my little Buddha of a boy gutses in the milk like a bloke with a yard glass of beer at his 21st. Breast milk. So ridiculously plentiful he splutters in it. And whilst sometimes I’d give anything to sleep through another freakin feed, my little butter ball is doing good on my gear. Never breastfeed my ass.

He’s lucky that doctor, that the best way to motivate me is to tell me I can’t do something, and don’t underestimate the effect of bloody minded stubbornness on us making it.

Then he had the audacity of suggesting I get pregnant by Xmas for bub number 2. This year!!!!I’ve been locked up since January, then breastfeeding & coping with a newborn since August 2, is he insane?????

What a dickhead. Well in the words of the wizard of oz, ding dong the witch is dead. We walked out of those doors and the sun seemed a little bit brighter. No more Dr North Korea. No more stupid communication style, rushed visits, scrambled responses. I am glad we stuck with him for the pregnancy, because Gumby aka Jensen made it. Against all odds. But no more.

Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead.

Mother of invention #2: horizontal-o-meter

New to the home shopping network this week for that baby in your life: the horizontal-o-meter.

Babies, Worried you’ll miss out on something happening? Concerned those new parents of yours are just doing it too damn easy? Now the horizontal-o-meter will solve all your first year dilemmas. Just ask satisfied customer, Jensen Angus.

“I was worried the folks were really handling the changes well. That’s when I signed up for the horizontal-o-meter. Now, whenever I move from arms to bassinet, my horizontal o meter goes off and I spring into alertness. No chance of unwanted sleep here. ”

The deluxe model comes with a parent sensor. “I’m so glad I got the deluxe one” Jensen adds. “now, I can feign deep sleep, but as soon as mum or dad are horizontal BANG! I hit them like a landmine. It’s so easy to use, it’s child’s play. I can relax in the knowledge that I won’t miss out on happenings around the house, securing me a few more dances to the rolling stones with dad, or extra feeds from mum. I don’t know how babies ever survived without the horizontal-o-meter.”

Stay tuned for new product developments in this range such as the “just opened a bottle of wine meter”, “almost got to pretend they had a life meter” for sneaky nights out, and the “just sat down to dinner meter”.

The horizontal o meter is yours for just 12 easy payments of your life savings, plus postage and handling, cause lets face it they are never gonna get out to an actual store again. Buy one and get free installation in that baby in your life.

Mother of invention #1

New to the home shopping channel this week: the mother of all tongs.

These tongs are amazing. Made of cast aluminium, they have all the versatility of an opposable thumb, without the maintenance or brain space. Specifically designed for those tricky moments in a new mummy’s life when she finds herself stuck in a lounge chair, breastfeeding the new bub, with a lovely cup of tea, kindly made for her by hub-in-boots, placed ever so slightly beyond her breastfeeding reach.

As many new mums know, breastfeeding reach is in a semi circle with a radius of about two feet. Try to reach beyond that, and that hard earned fussy breastfeeding latch is lost, your baby will cry, his precious breastfeeding IQ will immediately drop, and he’ll refuse to re latch or settle for two hours.

In the advanced mummy stakes, many mums attempt to take advantage or their leg length and reach items with their feet. Naturally, if this is a hot drink, the chances of a good scalding are high. If it is the remote, you need good toe dexterity to grasp it or change channels.

You may think you don’t need these tongs. They are only $9.95 plus postage and handling. You may think that, until you find yourself stuck for twenty minutes with the remote control just beyond your fingertips and endless reruns of Australia’s funniest home videos accidentally on the tele. The psychological counselling alone could cost you hundreds.

Don’t let a mum you know be caught short. Get an extra opposable thumb. Order your pair of mother of all tongs today.

The exorcist

The J- man has a new skill: projectile vomiting.

I am not talking a little sick up here… I’m talking “who turned the fire hose on?”, and “how did he get THAT wet, its three feet away?”.

It was totally like the Exorcist, it literally sprayed in a single direct stream all over me. Only he drifted off into a deep sleep immediately afterwards. Whilst we changed him (fourth wardrobe change in 12 hours thanks to peeing up his back skills), his bed, our bed, me , his wrap, the outside of the bassinet, the carpet ….

Ah, with the heart attack inducing sound of your one month old being forcefully ill at 6:20am, who needs an alarm clock? We both sprung out of bed like we’d been set on fire, the noise got us moving that fast. I grabbed the baby and got him upright & made sure he wasn’t choking, hub-in-boots went bolting for nappies & towels to mop up the chaos.

I’m going to sleep now.